dear nobody,

i think i'm trying to accept loss again.

jayleen's pregnant and i hope she gets her baby. i really do. it's like, the one thing that seems like it's going to fulfill her that i've known since i met her. from 21 - meeting this stranger girl in algebra back at bmcc, she told me she wanted a baby so bad she would cry. i remember blurting out "oh i'd get an abortion ASAP" and her being bewildered (as she then unveiled the truth: her fertility problems). she'd go on about how she wanted so badly for her boyfriend to put a ring on her finger, propose, and marry her.

she wanted that baby.

then there was anderson last year briefly. talking about running away and starting over with me was always a short fleeting fantasy - i knew that. but sometimes it was fun to pretend she was being serious. of course why would she run? she's got the ideal life when it comes to settling. now, pregnant - soon, a house? a baby? how many more babies?  where will she move? first it was charleston but now it's greenville. moving back more towards his family. "i want to be near my family" said the guy who hates being near his family. we always commented that these men want things once they're in their 30s because they see the men around them and want to not be left behind. do people really want things or do they feel like they need these things?

again - i want my best friend to be happy. of course i do. but i know what it entails because i'm realistic. she's hardly been speaking to me and she's only one freaking month pregnant. can you imagine 6 months in? one year? 2? 

i'm trying to accept this before it happens. get her out of my life so it's not like i'm losing a limb. she'll be happy... i'll be happy that she's happy. but i won't feel despair that she's no longer my "half". my "soulmate". because soulmates stay in your lives, they don't move on without you - and i get that. i'll be okay, but right now, i'm sad. but, maybe there can be a day when her kid knows me as an auntie. and that'll be great. or maybe that day won't come, because our friendship didn't survive the next ten or twenty years. i guess only time will tell. i'm trying to tell myself to not become cold. she'll be able to tell. but it's hard. i'm sad. all i do, is lose people.